Listen up. Nobody cares to follow the schedule I constructed.
So, you can all fuck right off!
I'm not having a great time.
First I knocked over the kid...
I'm really sorry.
...then we get engaged then we don't get engaged.
Please, Jandi, I cannot go through this again.
- Kathryn's sensitive. - Oh, I understand.
Mine's quite sensitive as well.
Walt! This isn't social hour. Let's move it along.
You could consider speaking to Walt and myself
in a more respectful tone.
What's gotten into her?
I'd like to just break the mold
- of what a notary can be. - Yeah. Wow.
Hey, guys, how did everybody feel
about this open-faced sandwich bar?
'Cause I-I'm trying to fill in my lunch grid.
- Mmm. - I didn't get why it had to be
an open-faced sandwich.
- It was kind of just a regular sandwich. - Yeah.
I mean, it was a good sandwich,
but, uh, I don't think it necessitated
an open-faced approach.
Well, I ate mine open-faced,
and let's just say it was extra good.
I'm gonna get extra fat.
Hey.
Quit bragging, Ichabod Crane. Come on.
Okay, guys, we need to get our buns in gear
for our 3:00 p.m. fossil hunt.
Okay, Carleen?
Get out here and start cleaning,
'cause the chore wheel already told you
it's your job!
What? You have a chore wheel?
I want a chore.
I made it at home
before I knew you existed, so...
Carleen! Let's get crackin'!
You can have some of my chores.
- Where is Carleen? Joe? - Don't look at me.
- I am looking at you. - Well, stop it.
- She's your problem. - What?
I mean after 40, I'm...
I'm no longer my sister's keeper.
I haven't seen her since we got back from the store.
She said she needed to brush her teeth
because they felt like fuzzy little sweaters.
Hey, did she even come to lunch?
Uh, I don't honestly know, honey.
She's a notoriously quiet eater.
Yeah, it's possible that I saw her
knitting in the hammock, but...
it's also possible that that was yesterday.
I mean, we did get into a fight.
That's nothing new.
I guess I made fun of her
about her slippers,
but it was in a cozy, cute kind of way.
I mean, those aren't real shoes.
You know, she might have gone for a walk.
She does seem like she likes to talk to squirrels and stuff.
For hours without telling anyone?
That... that... That's not like her.
No, when we were kids, she would always
fill a fanny pack full of pistachios
and just run downhill
to the Kethingers' abandoned barn.
Mom would send me to lure her home
with the horse magazines.
I was the younger one, but I was always
put in the role of savior and protector.
It's exhausting.
I hope she's not pulling that shit now.
I have an older sister, too, named Craysia.
She's highly intuitive.
She had one eye,
so I had to be the eyes for both of us,
and then we had three eyes.
It was so hard.
She doesn't know her way around here.
Oh, she'll be fine, Walt.
You said you wanted a chore, Jandice?
You're in luck.
I can do this.
Open-faced sandwich cleanup!
I'm honored.
How do you spell Craysia?
Oh, it's, um, a silent Z.
Wait, and where is the trash?
- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - -- www.Addic7ed.com --
Kathryn?
You know what birthday gift you can give yourself?
The gift of new people in your life
because everyone here is so ungrateful. I...
Kathryn, your sister is missing.
Walter, are you using a tone with me?
A little bit. Yes. Yes.
Yes, it is a tone.
Because Carleen is gone,
and you're acting like it's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal.
I told you, she always does this for attention.
But she's not here, so there's no attention to get.
Attention for when she gets back, Walter.
Kathryn,
you know I try to never interfere
with your... sisterly dynamics,
but you were not very kind to her this morning.
In fact, you know what? You were unkind.
Well, she was being a complete and total little brat.
Well, I think she was very hurt,
and she was trying to let you know.
Well, she should have said something, like a grownup.
She did tell you.
She told you in the car,
and in the parking lot,
and... and in aisle six next to the cereal.
She said it, Katty,
so if you can't hear it, then...
I guess that's your loss.
Now excuse me, I'm gonna see Harry
about locating a forest ranger
so that we can locate Carleen.
So...
you know, I've got quite a lot of locating to do.
Okay, well, I hope you can hurry it up
because your birthday party is tonight.
This is more important than my birthday.
Emergency! Hello?
Just give me a minute, okay?
Hello?
Emergency! Hello?
Emergency!
Okay. Come in.
Uh, I'm so sorry. My sister-in-law is missing.
I think we need to call the forest rangers.
- Who? - The rangers?
The people who patrol the forest?
Well.
You're looking at one.
You, yourself?
Wow. Wow.
'Tis true. I am.
I'm officially a California State Forest Ranger.
I lost my badge, but not my honor.
So what can I do you for?
Uh, my sister-in-law, Carleen,
has gone missing from the campsite.
We last saw her walking toward the showers
about two hours ago.
- Was she drunk? - No.
- Was she high? - Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
Okay, so she's lost and sober.
That's the worst.
All right, give me a second to think.
But you...
you're rightfully concerned.
Okay.
But my deputy, Francine,
recently retired to Leisure World.
I don't know if you've heard of it.
No.
It's a nationally recognized
active senior community
on a super fun site near Seal Beach.
It's a very nice way to live out your days.
- Okay. - But unfortunately,
that's gonna leave me deputy-less.
So I can't help you, man. I'm sorry.
Well, I'm untrained and unskilled
but I'd happily volunteer my services.
Turn around for me.
- You mean, turn around? - Yeah.
- Right... - Right now.
Okay.
Okay?
You're hired.
- Hey. - Jesus. Hi.
Sorry, I... I didn't see you.
Oh, I followed you over here and hid.
You look so worried.
I'm sorry, why would you follow me?
That's a violation of privacy.
I have an idea.
I feel like you and I should retrace your steps,
see if we can find Carleen.
- Oh... - I would love to help.
Sisterhood is sacred.
You know, let's just leave it to the professionals.
Walt is getting a forest ranger right now.
Oh, professionals are so overrated.
I feel like no one would know that more than you,
having lost your sex organs to Big Pharma.
I still have my sex organs.
You do and you don't.
Look, do you want someone else taking this on?
You want someone else to be the first person
that your sister sees after she's been rescued?
You don't. You're the doer.
You are the take-charge, in-control lady of the land!
You're the big sister.
Except that I am the little sister by one year.
There is nothing like pure familial instinct
to get the job done.
I mean, let's fucking get this job done.
Well, the fossil hunt does seem to be on...
No one wants to fossil hunt.
Let's Carleen hunt.
So you think this is the path
that you walked in the middle of the night?
I'm not sure.
Because I think she would have gone
somewhere familiar
and then maybe just got lost along the way.
You gave me drugs, if you recall,
so I can't retrace my steps
'cause I hardly remember taking them.
Kathryn,
I want to make a formal apology...
- Okay. Thank you. - About last night, and...
everything, really.
I feel like you and I
just got off on the wrong foot.
I mean, was there a right foot?
Because honestly, you came in someone else's place.
Well, technically it was Miguel's invitation,
and his plus-one could be anyone of his choosing, so...
But I don't want to argue about that stuff.
Because I know
that this has been a really intense time for you.
- It has. Yeah. - Yeah.
It has. It's been very intense.
But honestly, when isn't it intense?
It's intense to be me,
and that seems to really rub people the wrong way.
I don't know if you get this,
but friends scatter after an illness.
Mm.
It's too real for them.
They shrink in the face of it.
I don't know when I went from being the life of the party
to uninvited.
You should have worn bug spray.
Let's stick with that a moment.
That emotion right there.
Yes.
I think it's silly that you didn't think
to put on bug spray when we're going deep in the woods
on a rescue mission.
- It's Lyme season. - No, no, no.
The one right before that.
Feeling un-in-vited.
That seems important to me.
Let's hover on that for a beat.
Okay. Let's not hover.
I mean, it's silly.
It's probably hormonal.
I don't think it's silly, Kathryn.
I've seen the way people react to you,
and it's disrespectful considering all that you do.
They've needed you to herd them.
You're a herder.
You're absolutely right.
I... I am the herder.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And in the same way that... That people
all pile on their mothers in therapy...
They've been laminating their fears onto you.
I don't know if "laminate's" the right word.
Carleen!
Are you out here, Carleen?
Kathryn, I think we should stay with that emotion.
Just bring it. Bring it back.
No, thank you.
Okay.
Got your bug spray,
your compass, and your stun gun, yes?
Oh, um, I...
I actually left the stun gun behind.
Fuck, Walt! When?
Uh...
when you were washing your armpits with the Fiji water.
I'm not comfortable holding that, so, uh,
George has it in his tent for safekeeping.
Well, God, Walt, you're already
half the deputy that Francine was.
But we'll make do.
Oh.
My best guess
is that Carleen got off the trail
somewhere around Arapaho Bend,
probably transfixed by some red berries or something.
I'm really impressed with your knowledge of these woods.
Well, it's my life's work.
I'm just happy I found it
when I could still enjoy it, you know?
This land is my life.
My home.
I truly am a blessed person, Walt.
Or I was.
Fuck, I was. Don't ask.
Don't ask.
She left last night, Walt.
After months of threats,
both veiled and all too clear, she's gone.
- Your wife? - Yes, my wife.
All because I had the audacity
to ask for what I want.
Well, what... what do you want?
I want a child.
- Ah. - I just...
I want to be a mother.
But Nan, she couldn't give up
her freewheeling Coachella attitude.
Now she's gone to live with a bunch of freegans
that she knows from her one year at Colorado State.
God, they're probably diving in dumpsters
and having tickle fights.
Well, you know what?
If you weren't on the same page about what you want,
then maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Lust will only get you so far.
The rest is good hard work.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
And how's that working out for you, Walt?
Huh?
Come on!
Carleen!
Wait, so, Special K.
Can I call you that?
- Uh, that's fine. - Oh, amazing.
I've been wanting to call you that all weekend.
Tell me about your relaysh
with George, Nina-Joy, and Miguel,
and, like, our whole group.
Let's have less talking and more looking.
I just want to focus.
I can't really focus unless I'm sharing.
You're oversharing.
Then I'll over-focus.
Okay, fine.
Well, I met the guys through Walt.
Can we just wait one sec?
I need to smoke.
Okay, that's fine,
as long as you get rid of the butt at the camp.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're American Spirits.
I don't think it matters,
but Miguel asked me if I smoked, and I said no.
Isn't that weird?
The lie just sort of fell out of my mouth.
So how did you meet Walt?
Oh, um...
I was 24.
I guess that was, what, 19 years ago?
Oh, my God. Holy shit.
And where did you guys find each other?
At the roller rink.
I did roller derby in college.
- Are you fucking serious? - Mm-hmm.
I literally tried so hard
to get into roller derby,
but I just was falling on my ass all the time.
My derby name was Wrath of Kath.
Oh, my God, that's good.
Eh.
Do you want to hear this whole story?
- Fuck yeah, K - Dog.
Okay, well,
I was just out there on the floor messing around,
being kind of a showoff, and Walt appeared.
And he was such a dork. He really was.
He had on khakis. He's clinging to the side.
But George was there,
and he skated over and he said,
"My friend has requested your help."
So I went over,
and I showed Walt around the rink.
He was so shy, he barely spoke.
And I just grabbed his hand, and I started skating
faster and faster and faster and faster.
And then finally I just let him go,
and he went skating off on his own.
And he looked so happy.
Oh, I love this, Special K.
I think George and everyone,
they know what a badass you are.
And they need a fresh reminder.
They need to see you in your element.
But this is my element.
Carleen!
- What are we doing? - Shh.
I'm trying to listen.
Right, sorry.
The animal that leaves footprints
often lingers nearby,
watching us inspect.
Oh, wow, really?
Do you think this animal could have harmed Carleen?
No.
I'm pretty sure it's my neighbor's yellow lab, Percy.
Gorgeous animal.
I have no idea where Carleen went.
My guess is, she went somewhere to get a little space to think.
So, Walt,
what's the missus' diagnosis?
Is it bipolar? OCD?
Plain old psychosis?
Kathryn? No.
She's physically troubled, but she's mentally quite sound.
Walt. Okay, Walt.
We got to have a talk. Sit down.
I said sit down!
Now, look, as a former partner of a one Miss Nan Wang,
I know mental illness when I'm looking at it.
Yeah. Why, sure, there have been times
when I've worried it was about more than just her health.
She has changed a lot in the past five years.
Uh, I think more like ten.
Ever since we started trying to conceive Orvis.
You know, her mood has...
Has been extremely, uh...
Uh...
high-key, so...
She's just so sensitive.
And then she's so sensitive to being called sensitive,
and then somehow that becomes this whole,
like, extremely volatile distorted rage,
and I'm at the eye of the storm.
Well, being the caretaker is hard.
- Yeah. - Sometimes harder
than being the one that's "in pain."
Yeah, I wouldn't say Kathryn enjoys her illness.
I would say it's more like an obsession.
An addiction, really.
A hobby. A hobby.
Being sick is her favorite hobby.
I got one word for you, buddy.
Permission.
- Permission? - Yeah.
You don't need hers.
And you got to give yourself some.
Yeah, it was just me and Craysia
while our mom was trying to make it
- in the Bay Area folk scene. - Whoa.
And Craysia was never really normal.
I mean, whatever "normal" means.
Yeah.
And I was the younger sister
who had to be the big sister, like you.
- The oldest story in the book. - And it hurts.
- Yeah. - I mean, it hurts, doesn't it?
I mean, to not have the compassion and the care
and that focus that only a big sister can bring.
I... I have never thought of it that way.
I was always just like, "Hey, Carleen,
great drawing of a horse."
But our mom babied her.
She always let her have porridge for dinner.
She didn't baby me. She said I was the tough one.
If I wanted my favorite dinner, she'd say,
"You get what you get and you don't get upset."
And what did you want for dinner?
Oh.
Honestly...
raisins.
A big bowl full of raisins.
They're still my guilty pleasure.
Despite my yeast burden.
- Yeah. - Oh, wait.
What's up?
I don't think we're on the trail anymore.
Uh, okay. How did that happen?
I don't know.
I think I stopped paying attention.
Yeah, just two girls talking and walking
and not paying attention.
Carleen!
Oh, that lady is gone.
- Oh, gosh. - She's gone.
Where the heck are you, Carleen?
Where the heck are we?
Oh, gosh.
Well, singing carries
further than talking, like...
- Do you want to sing? - I would love to.
What do you want to sing?
Fleetwood Mac?
Oh, I don't know those songs.
- Oh, come on. - I'm not a guitar person.
Do you...
- Oh, I got it. I got it. - Okay.
I know you so well.
Junior high, am I right?
- Oh. - Yeah?
- I don't know the words. - Yeah?
♪ I feel the night explode ♪
♪ When we're together ♪
♪ Emotions overload ♪
♪ Carleen! In the heat of pleasure ♪
♪ Take me, I'm yours ♪
♪ Into your arms ♪
♪ Never let me go ♪
♪ Tonight I really need to know ♪
♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Tell it to my heart ♪
♪ Tell me I'm the only one ♪
♪ Is it really love or just a game? ♪
♪ Tell it to my heart ♪
- ♪ I can feel my fire burn ♪ - Oh, yeah!
♪ Every time you call my name ♪
You okay up there, Walt?
Indeed I am.
This is my favorite lookout tree.
I call her Old Lookout 'cause she's so reliable.
Cool.
Oh, hey.
Did Nan ever tell you that you were being aggressive
when you weren't actually even speaking?
And possibly just shrunk down in a corner?
Yes. Yes, she did.
How 'bout treat you like a nymphomaniac
when you touch her on the knee at an anniversary dinner?
Oh, she's complex.
Because of her quick-cycling moods,
they lend themselves to extreme horniness.
Oh, well.
And that's why you put up with it.
Why the fuck do you put up with it?
Harry, what's that?
- What? - There.
- Oh, let me get a look - see.
- This? - Oh!
Carleen is an avid,
almost upsettingly prolific knitter.
That is a slipper she made herself for the trip.
Um, I believe she called the pattern "rainbow tootsies."
Well, this, my friend,
is what we rangers call a clue.
Good job, little buddy!
- Yeah! - Yeah.
You doin' okay up there?
I think I'd like to come down now.
I'm loving this time with you.
Oh.
I mean, after the strain
in my relationship with Craysia,
it's like, I don't have many
connected relationships with females.
- Huh. - And I crave it, you know?
Just 'cause I crave that sisterly bond so much.
Oh, yeah.
- And I'm not getting it. - Yeah.
God, I feel like...
I take it for granted.
I mean, I... I talk to Carleen
every Monday, Wednesday, Friday,
11:30 my time, but...
but other than that we're really independent.
Me and Craysia haven't talked
in like, three years.
I mean, not by choice, of course.
She doesn't have a cell phone, no reliable internet.
She's one of those lost souls who won't commit to technology.
Where are we?
I don't fucking know.
Where the fuck are we?
Are we lost?
That seems insane.
Where the fuck are we?
Nice, Special K!
Where. The. Fuck.
Are. We?
Amazing, Kathryn!
You need to do that more.
I am such a big advocate of releasing primal urges.
- Oh, yeah. - Manners have no place
in healing.
I was taught manners will open a door,
but smarts'll keep 'em propped.
I don't have any idea what that means,
but I'm thinking
one of the huge issues you're having
with your health
is your sexual energy is stagnated.
Yeah, well, I have a burning urethra
and disease in my Douglas' pouch,
so... yeah.
Okay, think of your pelvis
as a bowl of water.
In reality it's more of a trampoline
of muscle flesh.
Okay, you're gonna want Walt
to bounce on that.
What if I don't want to have sex with Walt?
That's amazing.
You just fuck someone you're attracted to.
Easy-peasy. Like Miguel.
- What! - Oh, my God,
we're gonna break up in a week.
It's like, he is moving way too fast for me.
We're not even on the same page anymore.
No, no, no, I am not attracted to Miguel.
Kathryn, it's me.
We're, like, best friends now.
Like, you don't have to lie to me.
The man is a human tripod.
You're gonna want to get into that.
Plus, you wouldn't have reacted to me the way you did
if you didn't have some kind of sexual obsession
with my boyfriend.
And I'm here to tell you, you can act on those urges.
- You should. - No.
No, you... you don't know me.
I do not like Miguel, I am not attracted to Miguel,
and actually, anyone who does like him
is probably a full-fledged idiot.
I'm not gonna take that personally.
I'm gonna kiss that comment good-bye.
Where the fuck is my sister?
You know, you got us off the trail,
and we're further from her than we were when we started out!
God damn it!
Carleen!
Ugh, we were finally communicating so well, Kathryn.
I felt like we were really on the level.
Yeah, until you tried to convince me
to have sex with my husband's best friend,
whose home you already wrecked.
Margaret cheated on him.
Yeah, well, they might have been able to fix it
if you hadn't been tossing your hair everywhere.
I don't know if you know this,
but marriage is sacred and children are sacred.
Yeah, I know. I was married seven years.
I have kids.
You have kids?
Yeah, I do. I have two kids.
River and Roma.
I've never heard you mention them once.
Because it's their dad's time.
It's his time to introduce them to Hawaiian culture
and infrared sauna design, whatever,
and it's my time to be Jandice.
And then we pick up right where we left off,
and it's beautiful.
Oh, Jesus fuck.
Oh, don't be so judgmental.
I don't judge you for the choices you make.
Choices I make? I-I'm 100% normal.
Yeah.
By the way, I made up Craysia.
What?
Mm-hmm. I don't have a sister.
That's psychotic.
You're psychotic.
No, I feel like I have a sister,
and I say what I feel.
You should try it sometime.
I feel that you're a psycho who's ruining my trip.
You recognize this bootie, sir?
No.
Come on, Joe. You know this bootie.
Dad, come on. That's Carleen's.
Is your brain that shitty?
Actually, Sol, it's pretty shitty, yeah.
We weren't able to locate her.
But this bootie tells us that she's in the woods.
Or was. Is or was.
- Okay. - Dad!
You're such a soulless piece of shit.
I mean, can you open your fucking eyes?
Carleen is not even...
What's happening? Oh, my God.
We have to find her!
- Dad... - Carleen!
- Dad!
- Carleen! - Dad, calm down!
I know the feeling, sir.
Carleen!
I know it well.
Okay.
Well, we should be able to make our way back from here.
Oh, are you fucking serious?
Oh, we're gonna walk?
Yep.
You don't even know your way back.
I'll figure it out.
By the way, please don't speak to me
the remainder of the trip.
- Thanks in advance. - Fine!
But you're missing the best friendship of your life.
And you're never gonna have it.
Hi, I'm Jandice.
The campsite's back this way, asshole!
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